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|Monday, June 13th, 2005|
yu you guys i made a new livejournal. i found this one to be lame, i dont know why...but i just was. to me anyways. my new one is::xinvalidheart
so if you come across this one, now you know what my new one is! Current Mood: refreshed
|Tuesday, March 29th, 2005|
its almost june, and im so damn scared to graduate. its been the one things ive been wating for my whole high school life, and its here...well almost! my mind is just in a daze! Current Mood: anxious
|Saturday, March 5th, 2005|
|...out in the open...
yes, my feelings for him are out in the open. what does he feel of me, i dont know. all i can say is i wish he would say...something, to me...atleast one word. how do i face him now. he knows what i think when i look at him now. am i dumb, because i tried. all i really want to do is run and hide. i dont know how face him, i dont know what to say. i dont know if im scared or should say something on tuesday?? maybe, ill just let him approach me. but, what if the feelings have for me are the kind no one wants to know about!!
! Current Mood: dorky
|Thursday, February 24th, 2005|
|...a million time over, i would like to say thank you...
ok, ive been having this thing for lest for the longest time! everyone knows im so close just to go up to him and start cuddling or something. omg, we were doing the staring back and forth thing today in government. hes so damn cute. i made him smile when he realized that i knew he was taking glimpses at me. me and my little school girl self. gosh, ima see whats a good conversation starter...lets see::
"hey baby, whats youre sign?!"
"lester, i think youre fucking hot...call me!"
"um, you dropped something..."
*smile*"like what you see big boy?!"
you see, im not good with this kind of stuff!...i need help
oh and about the title, its because shannon jones pushed me into him in the hall after third block...hehe! on "accident" Current Mood: silly
|Saturday, February 19th, 2005|
|...its mi birthday...
thanks sheila and astrid for calling me like 2 seconds ago. like i was saying to you two. im just sitting on my ass home all alone drinking my sprite. YUCK, i dont like soda...but hey! still, just daydreaming...or nightdreaming, since its like 8:30 about a guy who i want to SO get to know. maybe, i should talk aloud about how im always in an empty house, where no one could walk in on me if i were to do something with somebody. idk, im kind of hopeless when it comes to the dating thing. eric tells me to just talk to him out of nowhere, like where am i going to get the guts to do that?!?!?! ah, but someday i will end up talking to him, and we will have a wonderful conversation!!*sigh*
i know what most of you are thinking[well the 2 or 3 people that actually read this] shane is such a little woose!...hey, but think about it. if you had a crush on somebody for 6 months, would you be able to just go up to him and be like, "lets have a conversation!" no sir, its not that easy. oh, but if only it was. but, if i think about it. when i worry about things, and then evetually go through with them...its not as bad as i thought it would be. so, maybe on tuesday ill have the balls to say something to him!!! Current Mood: nervous
|Thursday, February 17th, 2005|
|....a dream half come true...
yeah, this guy ive been crushing on since the day i set my eyes on him turns out to be gay!!! he was going out with my friend jen, and they were going out for a couple of months. but, he left her for a guy[not me though]<-----i wish it was though!!
OMG, is this boy sexy. ive never had a crush on someone this long, see....me and my friends always knew something about him...and i guess we were right the whole entire time!!!...YUP, now he is ALL MINE!!!...lol
i get butterflies in my tummy everytime i see him, does that make me strange...
OH, if youre not going to put a nice comment about that[hint*ANNA]
*sigh* Current Mood: chipper
|Friday, February 11th, 2005|
|...why do i even bother...
its kind of good that a lot of people dont read my livejournal. i mean, i get really personal in this..but not too personal.
so, ive been realizing my drastict mood swings have been coming back, and the thoughts of suicide have crept their way into my head again. life is so unforgiving when it comes to me. i sure as hell hide all the stuff i really feel behind a fake smile, but i dont want people to worry about me. i often think, what if i did just kill myself rightnow, who would realize ive been having a on going battle with myself? when i think about myself being gone, i see everyone getting over my death rather quickly. i can picture in my mind people wondering why i did it, how i could be so selfish by hurting other by hurting myself. so, i force myself to think other...happier thoughts. like after graduation...but that hardly seems that, that would be a possiblity this year. i cant help that i dont have any clue whats going on for most of the day in school. so, i started doing homework and studying for test, if i dont pass with me trying to succeed i dont see what the point is...it doesnt hurt to try...right?? but, what if i dont past, even witht he effort i put forth. what the hell am i going to do. that would disapoint everyone around me. i cant/wont live with that guilt. that might be the thing that will finally make me end my life. i try to hold the tears back everynight, imagining the shame i would cause my parent, sister, cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends. its like the pressure is too great for me to bare. why cant i just do it without it being so fucking hard?!?! why cant i just not be depressed all the fucking time, why wont my parents hear my pain?
this is fact, not fiction:: the only reason my dad ever talks to me anymore is to point out every little thing i fuck up on. not just in school, but also around the house. my mother is always on my back about my homework, which i have been doing. she doesnt even know what she's looking at most of the time. i could hand her a paper that reads "youre a fucking bitch, fall down the stairs!" and tell her that was my homework. and all she will do is look at it and tells me to make sure my dad sees it. inside i feel so torn. its like im dead already, and no one even notices. i think that no one actually really cares. i cant look in the mirror anymore without seeing a stupid little boy who's going nowhere in life. no matter how much i write this in my blogs[xanga, myspace, livejournal]...people just tell me its going to get better. well, it did get better for like four months...now im back to square one...if not worst. i just dont know what to do with myself anymore. Current Mood: depressed
|Thursday, February 3rd, 2005|
|...so, it hurt some peoples feelings...
im always told to be blunt. but apparently im too nice to do that sometimes. but, the second i take that advice people dont want to be my friends??...what the hell is up witht that!!! i really dont care if matt ever wants to talk to me again. because, of him...people look at me and think, i heard he has some kind of std. i fucking hate that. so, i wrote to him that i didnt want to hang out with him as much as we have been lately. i think, from his eyes, he read...i dont ever want to talk to your slutty ass again!
which, is clearly not the case, but if this is how it has to go down...it really doesnt bother me. i have a mixture of friends. i seem to get along with most people, as i get along with them. but being used over and over again...theres got to be a stop at some point. so, i put my foot down and letting everyone know i will not be used no more. and the asking of shane if he has stds needs to stop!...because i am 100% clean.
yeah, i guess im not letting that bs bother me too much...just for the fact a lot of people look at me like a dirty slut, eventhough ive only been with two guys in my whole entire life...two guys i thought i could trust, but proved me WAY wrong.
so, yeah...on a happier not, people are still telling me that they are voting me best personality for senior superlltives, which is really awesome. so, if you think i do have a good enough personality please vote for me...it would make me feel OH SO special!!!...thanks Current Mood: cranky
|Monday, January 31st, 2005|
|....having fun is so much fun!...
christina, jordy, and i did our usual monday night routine. went to cajun catfish for dinner and to fuck with drakered! we didnt get to mess with drak that much, because tonight was a very busy night for the cajun catfish. im sure tommy loved the way the money was just rolling in!...well, since apparently no one ready my livejournal im going to stop it at here and just let you know i had fun tonight! Current Mood: chipper
|Wednesday, January 26th, 2005|
i went on my date with jt lstfriday, and i see that i only want to be friends rightnow. and then, theres matt...he just broke up with mike[also my ex]...and now hes been trying to get with me ever since. you would think if two guys were all over you, you would be like the happiest guy around. but, im not...i dont want to lead any of them on. but, i also dont know how to make it clear to them im not ready for a relationship...specially when i thought i was. but, theres this one guy i would like to know a little better, not saying i want to hook up with him or anything...but the fact is he doesnt know me. i knind of found out about him through my friend kay[kay, hes not a cheerleader...just to get that straight] and, i also dont know what type of guys hes into!!
im so confused!...i hate being alone, but then again i dont want to be comitted with one person at the moment, not saying i want to sleep around. but, really i want to see whats out there for me. since mike nobody seems to worth my time and i hate that. because, i know theres plenty of guys out there who are so worthy. and, trust is another factor to deal with me. i have no trust for anyone. think aobu this::
you and htis person are inlove and you say it to eachother everyday. you leave them alone with another guy less than 12 hours and he cheats on you. so, my conclusion is, if you cant trust the person you love how can you trust anyone else out there?? im a complicated broken heart, thats all i can say.
exams:: suck SO much, i havent had a goodnight sleep since they started. its ok though...only two more to go! wow, and then some. i have to work the day we have school off, isnt that bullshit??...then the next two days i got to be in work before 8am. oh, well...what am i going to do about it. Current Mood: gloomy
|Wednesday, January 19th, 2005|
|...wasnt so bad...
so yeah, i did the audition thingy! the only thing i really didnt like was the dancing....dont kow how to dance[dont tell n/e one!] but everything else was fun. and, i had the freaking academy kids in my group...you know the "real" singers and dancers...bleh...whatever. i didnt see many guys try out...and this is a mostly men cast!! so i really hope i do get a part...even a small crappy one, but judas is what i want really-really bad!...and i think JT is a sweety!...PeaCe! Current Mood: exhausted
|Tuesday, January 18th, 2005|
|...im just a nervous wreck today, tomorrow, and teh next day!...
omg, omg!!!...im so flipping out. i hate auditions. they make me so nervous. i know this may sound stupid to everything else, but if i dont make it im going to be so sad for the rest of the year. i love working on production at school, and im so ready to try a musical!!! please, oh please! let be make it in the cast, even if i dont get teh part of judas. but, im not nervous about the monologue, or the sing...the dancing is where ill get cut!!! sure dancing around in my room like a complete idiot is fun and easy, but doing choreographed shit is hard...hello!, doesnt anyone know im LD?!?! like for reals. ok, here i am ranting about how nervous im going to be, damn im such a fucking dumbass thinking i could make it into this janx, but oh well if dont. ill spend the rest of the year having casual sex with random people until i catch some nasty STD, just kidding about the STD part, but the casual sex...im all for it now! Current Mood: peaceful
|Thursday, January 13th, 2005|
|...HES SO AWESOME...
well, ive been talking to jt for a few days now. yes, hes a closet case...but down to the marrow of my bones i believe that hes a guy that i can always talk to. i was in position a few months ago, scared to death to coming out to anyone. i dont mean to put pressure on him or anything, but im just now getting comfortable with my sexualality.
lastnight, we talked from 12 until 3 in the morning, it was so great. gosh, i really like him..and its not like he lives far either...norfolk is just a "hop, skip, and away"...as he puts it. i think hes giving me hints, but im so unsure if the hints are real or not. i want to believe, i want it...but theres always an "if question" coming along. we talked about so many things, movies, music, art, high school life...everyting! i didnt want our conversation to end. but, im glad that he did end up calling because he finally gave me something that was lost with mike...trust. i said things to him that no one else knows about me, and its the same deal with him. i dont know...but ill just have to wait and see!!!
i felt the butterflies again, does that mean anything, anything at all!? Current Mood: giddy
|Wednesday, January 12th, 2005|
|...wow so excited...
ok, our pool was suppose to be done last july, meaning the one that just past about 5 months ago. theyre just now laying down the cement for it. goddness people...i think we should get our moneyback, what do you think. thats so NOT profesional!...oh, well i guess ima just have to deal!
tonight, i get to do the drama exposed open house for the little brats that are also know as the fine arts academy kids!...bo for them! i have to come up with facts about DE...but most of it is stuff most of my fellow class mates know about!...n/e who ima get ready, have acig...and bounce! Current Mood: excited
|Tuesday, January 11th, 2005|
gosh, ive been drooling everyother boy thats been my way...and all of them, STRIAGHT! i will never get a break.
well, the up side to the week so far is i get to go to this party coming up...yeah. the downer...travis moved back with his mom...all the way in newport fucking news! not fair, not fair at all! who is gonna come with me to the gay parties?? astrid??...theyre lesbos there too!!..promise!
i went over to heather walave house today to play with barbies...actually it was for our government project, i broke one of their heads off...so sorry heather!!! i kept laughing throught the whole taping. i made the presidents sons blow him off and the "crack head" say "i need weed bitch!" it was too fun!...cant wait until barbie actually comes out with "im a crack ho barbie"....WATCH HER SMOKE IT UP...haha! goodness, i mean they already got "knocked up bitch barbie" where she was pregnant without a wedding ring...maybe thats more of a "tralor trash barbie"...idk. working on the project at her house was uber fun! Current Mood: productive
|Sunday, January 9th, 2005|
sheilas bday party
watch napolean dynamite[the dumbest movie ever made]
go to work[late]
run around the house like a retarted freak
got my current event printed for govnment
sit my fast ass at the computer for like an hour
...now, still on the computer!
ok, my weekend was a bore, yet relaxing! thats a plus, right?? i cant wait until next weekend i get to see my friend kay at a party before she goes back to zambia...i think she should stuff me in her carry-on or something! but, i hope she a has a relaxing 3 month vacation!...haha wow, its been awhile since ive been out to one of these parties. in think ima call in late the day after the party, because i just know i feel illness coming my way[hang over]!
eventhough, i said that movie was dumb, ive been talking about it all day!..my god. i guess you can say its kind of funny, afterwards...thinking about how i acutallied stayed in the room and watched it. but, im stil sittig here bored as ever, thinking about taking a nape before finnishing my trig homework...sleep sounds good right about now! Current Mood: bored
|Saturday, January 8th, 2005|
goodness, i really wanted to go out and do something after work, you know...maybe call kay to chill. or, get laid or something...only if it could be that easy. the easy part not being about me, come on you guys! i guess, my family is going to throw a little celebration for the day that brat popped out of my mother kuder and became something called: a little sister!...naw, just messin, i loves shellz!...i just now realized that she has a lot of nicknames, i always wanted a nickname...besides fag...or dumbo. and if you dare joke me about this entry anna during class...you know we can always bring out to the student parking lot!...bring it BIOTCH...lol, jest playing with you!
well, today...my general manager pissed me off cause she lied to me, yet again. saying i wouldnt have to fry chicken that i only had to do frontline register...that biznitch put me on chicken! its SO freaking gross[i complain a lot online]<---now jsut realizing this!
n/e ways, back to my story...gwen is a lying bitch, end of story!
lastnight, i was chillin with my home girls christina and jordie. so, we go to allen's house...xtina's man, and there was a straight guy there. i asked if i could messed around with him...you know, like making him feel like he was gay too...it was so effing funny! he drank like 5 shots of yiager[spelling?], and was kind of tipsy. he started getting loud, and everyone is telling him to shut up. but, he continues to be loud...i tell him to stand in one of the corners in the house if hes going to act like little child. still, loud as ever. so, i say "or..we can make you be my bitch and i can give you a spanking, which i would surely love"...he went outside to smoke a cigarette and never came back in the house, i think he started to cry or something, i guess that kind of made me feet bad, but it hummored me more than anything since these last 4 lonely months.
***just remeber kids, dont get too drunk or youll turn into a little bitch, like jay did with his yiager! Current Mood: amused
|Thursday, January 6th, 2005|
well, today in drama i found out what our spring production is going to be. wheni heard the title i was thinking to myself, "baker, what the fuck is wrong with you!!!!" n/e ways, just because its a musical i really want to be in it and all. i was excited to tell everyone at home what i found out in school this afternoon. i told my dad what the musical was and he was all like, "no kidding! i got the 2 disc soundtrack." and i was like, ok...whatever! this musical is gonna be lame if he had the soundtrack. i listen to it and i so love it!!!! yeah, im pretty giddy about it rightnow! but, the trouble is i always find myself fucking up in auditions. i was just lucky as fuck to make the cast of +moon over buffalo+...and i know theres a lot of compition for the spring production. grrRRrRrRrR, i really hope my nerves dont get the best of me in auditions for this years musical, because they sure as hell fucked me over lastyear.
lastnight and today, i found out two guys have a crush on me...on me! isnt that weird. i would never see myself as an atractive looking person. one goes to college up in newport news and the other guy goes to my school, who i shall not call out because hes still in the closet about it...which is a shame. but, i think a lot of people can tell hes gay...i think ive always known he was since lastyear, because his sister use to talk about it a lot. which is cool that he isnt out of his closet, because i was there one time....and i know how scary it is and thinking if family, friends, and other peers would still want to be part of your life. gosh, its already 11..i should go to sleep now and let sheila have to rest of the night with her lover....compaq presario[our computer] Current Mood: excited
|Wednesday, January 5th, 2005|
|...its the bitchs birthday..
happy birthday sheila-marie! anyways, we went out for dinner for the special day. invited scott and becca, good times! Current Mood: geeky